Random Thoughts

Some things don't change...

2008-07-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

I was going through some files on my computer, and I found the following. Some feelings don't change.

Written in 2001:
2-4
Almost two weeks w/o Kevin. I can’t go a day without crying. It is so hard to write this. So hard. We had been fighting, but, not as bad as some people. True, they were usually stupid, but not bad enough to break up I thought. I need to get over him, but I am afraid I don’t know how. I am also very tempted to go back and read everything written in this book. I want him back, but he doesn’t want me anymore. I should just settle for being his friend, but it is so hard. He was mine for so long. I had already planned our wedding and named our children.
That’s what’s so wrong with me. I always have to have things planned. Oh great, now I am going to go through this huge self esteem thing. I really need a friend right now. How could I let this happen? I am tired of being unhappy. I don’t want to be 29 and completely single. That would suck so bad. I must get through this. I can get through this, but it will take me some time.
MY GOALS
To ONLY control my life, for that is truly the only life I can control! (I’m sorry Kevin, VERY sorry. I always realized I was doing it, but everytime it was too late)
To have an open mind. (I think I do already, but to just continue to)
to get fit
To be forgiven, by those I have hurt. (Kevin, Chris, Alex, Jordan, Justin, Ken)
(my God! I am so mean when it comes to relationships)
To just change my state of mind.
If completed…my life may gain some direction.
I need to start taking my own damned advice! “If its meant to be, it will be” that advice FUCKING SUCKS! But.. it is so true. “If you love something, let it go, if it returns to you, then it is yours to keep.”
I just wish he understands, I’m trying so hard to let him go, and still hold onto my sanity. It goes in waves. There are moments where I take a deep breath, and think about Devin, the new boy downstairs, or about going to the Library or Barns and Noble to pick up guys. But then, the next wave comes crashing down upon me, and those guys just aren’t him. And I cry. Oh man do I cry. But what makes it worse, is I’m on the pill, where by looking at the package I can tell that I’m PMSing.
Great, I can’t be alone anymore. Amy has returned, AND with her boyfriend. That makes all of this even worse, but I digress.
If I could just understand one thing. I guess it would be, how could I have let this happen? I ask him over and over again. Questions, and he over and over again answers them. But I keep asking because it doesn’t answer the underlying question…HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?!?
I’m so selfish. But when someone tells you these things for the many formative years of your life, (dad) you being to resent them, and block them out, and believe that no one can hurt me, and those thengs just aren’t true, evein if they are. Which unfortunately was, is true.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to the whole entire world. I need friends to kick my ass and show a mirror to my face that will show me my tru elf. The bitchy, selfish, controlling slut that I am. I just relized that I have discarded, or ben discarded by all of those who did show me that mirror. Note to self: STOP DOING THAT! I will allow Kevin to get to know me as a friend, and do this to me, to show me this mirror. Who knows maybe he’ll see a change in me and we can work through it.
Why are you thinking such things? I need to not try and get him back. Was that one of your goals? NO!
Maybe I’ll photocopy this and send it to Kevin. Whenever I hear his voice void of everything that used to be there…it kills. But then, as the conversation progresses, just after the small talk, things are great, and I’m happy.
Sex. It did mean a lot to me. But, I don’t think it was ever emotional to me. There was only the one time that it left me happy. And actually, it wasn’t the sex. It was here, in this bed. He worshiped me. Every finger, my eyes, my toes. But…sex always disappointed me. Maybe I just knew that it wasn’t right. Maybe I’ll have sex with many people, and when it is with that one person, I’ll know. Maybe I just knew Ney Years Eve that something wasn’t right. He didn’t hold me. I knew. I just never wanted to accept it. Why change something that is just fine? It was fine for me. Just fine. I enjoyed being ignorant.
Wow, I’ve been writing for an hour and a half. I must define myself by the guy I date. That would explain a lot. But maybe not. I would like to think that is not who I am.
Who am I then? (God, here go again) Does anyone know the answer to that question? Ive never asked anyone that. Maybe I should ask that. I wonder if anyone knows.
Why do I cry? Why do I hurt? He has made it quite clear that he will still be friends with me. If he wants me to be his, he will come back. And who knows, maybe then, just maybe I won’t want or need him anymore.
Maybe I just should have known from the beginning. Hell, the things I kept saying was from one of my favorite 80s song…(wow! I just scared myself! I forgot that I had put speakers on both sides of my bed) Anyways, the Cheap Trick song. “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I’d love you to love me, I’m begging you to beg me.”
I want to feel needed. I’ve never felt like I was needed by anyone. Maybe that is with my desire to be a mother. For the first 8 years of a child’s life, they depend on you for everything. I don’t want someone to follow me and cling. But just someone to look in my eyes and say, “God, you’re beautiful, I’m so glad you were born.” I think I would cry if I heard those words.
So now, I’m going on 2 hours here. I’ve cried, and I’ve smiled, and cried some more. I do believe this is good for me. Thre is just something about the pen on paper that is thereputic. Why did I ever stop writing? It takes a lot of time, y es. But once it is out in the open (or on the paper rather) I can start to take it out and get rid of it.
I do hope that he takes the time out to visit me. I don’t know what it will accomplish. why do I think I have to call him? The original purpose of this book was to make it so I wouldn’t need to call him. So this week I will force myself to write. It’s not that bad. Well, as long as no one finds this.
It is decided, I am photocopying this tomorrow, and mailing it. One to Kevin, and one to Justin. I have been struggling for weeks to try and explain myself to both of them. Maybe this will help.
I need help. But I’ve never been given the strength to do it on my own. Well, I’m sure I have it, just never cared to use it. My God, I’ve become the “girl” I hate. “oh, I can’t lift this heavy feather, could you get it? Tee Hee” I groan just thinking of it. It will take time, but with the friends I have (The two guys I’m mailing this to, and Jordan) I’m sure I can be better its just…I don’t know. I will get better I did before, I can again.
Love just can really suck. And sex can make it worse. Though, as I’ve said to myself, I don’t think that the fact I had sex is affecting my pain more than usual. It is just that it is probally the only really “guy” thing that he ever said to me, when asked why he slept with me, if he wasn’t sure that he still loved me, his “guy” reply was, “you can be pushy.” Well, I wasn’t holding a gun to his head. It was ALWAYS consentual. Sigh. I don’t regret loosing it to him. I may not even regret loosing it. I do regret believeing all the bullshit that adults have crammed into our heads about it. Oh well.
I have to stop writing this now. It’s been almost 3 hrs. ok. 2 ½ I know I’ll write more tomorrow. I do feel better!

I'm clumsy

2008-07-12T11:18:00.001-07:00

So, yesterday after a brief rain shower, I decided to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. I had flip flops on, and I stepped on my cement porch, and the stairs were still slick. I went head first off my front porch! I landed in a flower pot!! However, if that flower pot wasnt there, I would have most definately broken my arm. Today I am nursing a multi colored leg and arm! I need to really learn to slow down!

PCOS

2008-07-07T15:41:00.000-07:00

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.... Looks like I have it. OW!! I recently got an IUD, and I've been having some pain, so they sent me for an ultra sound, and there are a lot of follicles on my ovaries. Doing some research on my own, there isn't much that can be done, but I'm not worried about fertility, I don't want kids, at least not for a while, so that isn't a big deal.

But the cramping I have been experiencing is no fun!! Ibuprofen can only help for so long, I don't want to depend on it...

Sorry!

2008-07-02T19:07:00.000-07:00

So it has been one year since updating! I know I have lost everyone, but that's o.k. I have switched offices and started school. I now work in St. Louis County, now as a casemanager, and things are a little less stressful, but still obnoxious.

This past year has been stressfull in my marriage, and very hard. Mike has lost 2 jobs and has been unemployed a total of 3 months between them. It is difficult for me to pay for school, and he is concidering taking a position for half of what he was making before, meaning I will become the breadwinner in the family! This isn't cool, as I don't make much money at all.

I have begun talking to old friends, and this is causing more tension with my husband, as these old friends are male. I have been having problems getting what I need out of my marriage as well. You get comfortable in a relationship, and you no longer seem to have that feeling or the motivation to make sure your partner is taken care of.

I hope things change!

2007-07-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

O.k. I saw Licence To Wed tonight. Although it is a cute movie - it is a rent movie, not pay $13 movie.

This movie bought up a few things that are really good to know in a marriage. You will fight, and it is o.k. But something else, Pay attention to your partner, and just because they are not behaving/doing what you would like, it is not the end of the world.

This a difficult for thing to me learn, and I am still learning.

Update on life

2007-06-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

I am going back to school!! I have sent in my application and I have to take a chemistry class, I think, and then I will be in the Nursing program.
I'm going to be a nurse!!

Work has slowed down, and it is giving us a chance to catch up on our work, which is very exciting. Now is the time for everyone to start to breathe and relax. It's amazing what children not being in school can do to our caseloads.

Also - the skin under my ring is peeling, what's up with that? I put lotion on it, leave my ring off, and it is still peeling. Psychosomatic maybe?

I told you so

2007-06-05T19:07:00.000-07:00

4 words that make me very happy to say....

My brother and his girlfriend moved to Colorado this past Thursday. My dad and brother loaded the truck and my dad drove it there. My mom called me yesterday, "D won't stop crying, she is saying she wished she had never moved..." I told you so. My mom asked if I had any suggestions to comfort D. Nope. She's upset that my brother have found a job, and she hasn't. My brother is a line cook - he can find a job anywhere. It will take her some looking, as she actually has a degree. Get a phone book, a map, and find the library. Sitting on your ass crying isn't solving anything, and only making my brother more upset/pissed. Something she should've thought about before moving. Boo hoo you didn't take your mommy with you, you are a grown up, so put your big girl britches on and suck it up!

I TOLD YOU SO!!

Happy Tuesday.

2007-05-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Hello to you! Aren't my babies so cute? Heidi will be getting a haricut on Sunday. I hope this doesn't set her back. As I have mentioned before, Heidi had to take antidepressants, and is now a completly a different dog now. She doesn't have to take her medicine but before a thunderstorm.

Other news - my brother is moving to Colorado, and he is taking his girlfriend D with him. Not cool. My brother still runs to my parent's house to get away from her, what is he going to do when they live together, 800 miles away from my parent's home? Oh well.

I am back!!!

2007-05-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have been super busy with work. The latest is that if you are behind then you don't get to use your comp time or vacation time. But, we have to keep children our priority.... HA! Children or paperwork....It is incredibly frustrating. State of Missouri, wake up and look at what you are doing to your employees!!

Moving on though, I am off this week, and my friend Erin is in town this week, so we will get to hang out and I'm super excited. She is getting married in a year, so it is fun to watch her go through the planning.

My dad, is going into being a professional protographer, on the side. He has the background tarps, the lights, a super cool camera, the works. When he gets back from his trip to Houston, and he starts taking pictures, I will post them up here. I am hoping I can talk both him and Erin into taking engagement pictures of Erin and Josh. He will be taking promotional pictures of my husband for his website.

My husband has made his own DVD. When his website is up and running, I will provide a link. I will be back into blogging this week, so I will have more shortly.

Don't you hate it...

2007-04-04T17:29:00.000-07:00

When you know something about someone, that if everyone knew they would probally feel the same about that person too, but you can't say anything to anyone, or you would be in realllllly big trouble with a bunch of people, not just that particular person?

Random

2007-03-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

Today, we had to mow the lawn. It is official - my allergy and headache season has arrived!!

It is so nice to be able to sit outside and enjoy a little before the mosquitoes come! The flowers are in bloom, the trees are blooming. Sometimes I wish I had more to write about, well, acutally I wish I could really tell you about my work.

So many interesting things happen, there are people that you would find amusing, however I can't tell you about it, because then I'd lose my job.

I will say this...Due to my job I have a very sick sence of humor.

This is freakin' hilarious!!!

2007-03-18T17:25:00.000-07:00

Please watch this...the whole thing, because this is so something I would do if I had kids.

Reflection

2007-03-01T19:06:00.000-08:00

Did you ever spend time and think back to your life, and feel a mixture of emotions...

I have been checking out facebook and myspace....There are people that make me very angry just thinking about them, and how shitty they treated you in the past, how you swore you'd never put up with certian behaviors, and yet, because you got something out of the relationship, whether it be sexual, emotional, monatary...you stayed. One such jackass is in another state. LIes that were fed to me....I still can't freakin' belive it.

Then there are the thoughts of what could've been, what I wish could have been...

Have you ever wanted to write letters to people that you felt/feel certian ways about. Do you ever still feel a certian way about someone, and that never went away? Argh I need to stop!

Vacation!!!

2007-03-01T14:58:00.000-08:00

So I am off of work for one week and 1 day! I don't go back until March 12th. I am so stoked. I don't iknow what I am going to do with myself! Actually, I take that back, I am going to do a lot of cleaning.

I have so much stuff around the house that I want to get done. I still have one small part of the living room to finish painting. I hopefully will catch up on my blogging, and get more info out there to you guys!!

Too busy to care

2007-02-25T18:22:00.000-08:00

I come home from work and sleep.

Heidi, our new dog, is on antidepressents, and they're working. Heidi was a breeding machine, she's 3 and has had 3 litters. She spent her time in an house/shed in someone's back yard. Heidi doesn't know what human contact really is. She would run from us and wouldn't eat. Now that she's on doggy happy pills, she is my little buddy. We are still working on her not running from us when we first come home, but she likes me. Mike, not so much, even though he is the one who feeds her.

Heidi and Kali do cuddle and play (when they think we're not looking) They make a good pair.

The Missouri Miracle

2007-01-19T14:01:00.000-08:00

I know I am a little late, but I've been busy.

Last Friday, I was sitting in my car waiting on my police escort for a hotline, and I heard on the radio that they found Ben Ownsby...and Shawn Hornbeck. I couldn't belive it. The day after Ben had been taken, my husband and I were mentioning how weird it was, what if it was the same guy that took Shawn? I had said from the begginning when Shawn disappeared, that he was still alive. You know sometimes you get that feeling that someone is dead? With Shawn, I felt that he was alive.

Now - Please, I know it is human to wonder why he didn't just run away, why he didn't call his family, why he didn't leave...However, does it really suprise you that he stayed when we have grown women who stay every damn day. A person is threatened with death of friends/family/pets, and you'll want to protect everyone in your life, so you do not resist. When you are mentaly, physically and sexually abused, as most women in violent relationship are, you don't even know who you are anymore, and your life, your IDENTITY is that victimized person. So, I guess I'm saying, leave Shawn alone.

Now the part that makes me worried...what if I had a hotline on this house? What if there had been a report made because Shawn wasn't in school and I had gone out to the house? Would I have asked the right questions, I know I wouldn't have recognized him. Would things have fit? Every time there is a news story about this, It makes me teary eyed. I am glad they've been found.

Taking the Plunge!!!

2007-01-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

Please check out http://www.firstgiving.com/JLynn745

I am going to become a polar bear!

Welcome the New Member of the Family!!

2006-12-30T18:01:00.000-08:00

We have a new addition to our family... Please welcome Heidi. Heidi came to us from the River City Chihuahua Rescue. She is 3 years old, and is a long haired chihuahua. Currently she is very shy, and it taking her time warming up to us. Kali is already wanting to play with Heidi, so as soon as Heidi is ready, she'll fit right in! Kali and Heidi are the same size, so it is even better!!

Before anyone complains....

2006-12-26T20:05:00.000-08:00

Texas toddler stabbed

Before anyone gets all up in arms, let me say this. I feel that the adults that are responsible for these children, need to be charged. A 15-year old does not need to be left in charge of that many children.

But - people are up in arms and blaming Texas CPS for the fact there had been previous hotlines, and the children were not removed. Listen up. From my understanding the previous hotlines were for dirty house, lack of food...neglect basically. Now, if during the open investigation, mom can clean up the house...there is no problem. So, don't go blaming the social workers in Texas.

We are overworked, and under paid. We spend most of our time investigating bogus hotlines that are called in by parents in the midst of a custody battle, or by people trying to annoy other people. Why disrupt a child's life by removing them from a home if they are not in imminent danger? There is no point. When we actually get a hotline where there is a need for intervention, we work with that family to prevent removal.

I have many cases currently on my caseload where the family has been investigated previously. But, guess what? It is usually because of a custody dispute, or random bad days. These families generally do not have a serious problem where the children are at risk. So, you can't measure a family's likelihood of having a serious incident by these measures.

Give your state social worker's a break. We're doing the best we can with the resources and time that we have. If you haven't noticed, I don't have much blogging time...I'm busy, I'm over worked. I am racking up overtime that I don't get paid out for, and I don't have time to take it off! So, don't blame the Texas CPS. Please.

Not much going on

2006-12-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

There is still not much going on. My parents have bought a new dog. Her name was Dini, and now it's Dixie. However, we realized why her name was Dini....as in Houdini. She has jumped on the counter and shimmied out a kitchen window and has jumped the fence numerous times. She has already broken her foot due to her jumping. This hasn't stopped her from jumping on the kitchen counter to try to get out again...

My parents will have their hands full. I'm just fine with my 5 pound bundle of puppy.

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

2006-11-19T06:29:00.000-08:00

Loss of a beloved pet...

2006-11-14T15:46:00.000-08:00

My dog, who my family has had for 14 years, has passed away. She was 15 years old, and has been ill for over a year, but she made a turn for the worse this past week, and early Monday morning, she passed away. Katie was a sweet pillow dog who would lie next to you when you needed her to, and she'd let you use her as a pillow for your head or your feet. She was patient and loyal. She will be missed. My parents still have another dog, but she is already 14 and senile. I just hope it isn't as dragged on and painful for everyone. Katie is now pain free and happy. I'm sure she is lying in the middle of some soft thick grass, in the sun, with the breeze blowing through her thick fur. She's sitting there sniffing the wind waiting for us to join her.

Work

2006-11-11T06:01:00.000-08:00

In the state, a worker is not able to have more than 80 hours of comp time (overtime) at the end of the year. I have 60ish, and I've been really working for 3 months. So, needless to say, this is the first year in a while when the state is cracking down on these hours. Some people in my office has close to 200 hours, and more. This means that they are on forced vacation to use these hours. This means, those of us who don't have 80 hours (like 3 of us) are working our assess off. I'm really stressed out, and very frustrated. They also don't let us get overtime for typing our reports, though they generally need to be completed within 30 days. But, this isn't happening. We are overworked and underpaid.

And this is why I've been busy :o)

Long time...I know

2006-11-04T06:17:00.000-08:00

So, I've been really busy. I'm going to list what I've been doing, and then in the future, I hope to come back and talk about some of them:

* Been painting the living room
* My paternal grandfather passed away
* Work has been sucking
* The World Seires!!
* Regular house work

I'm almost done with the living room. I had to go out of town for training, and for the funeral, so it has been put off and put off some more. We just need to paint the wall behind the piano, and finish the trim. And then we'll be done!

My dad's dad passed away. He had parkinsons, and then he just recently got pnemonia. I met all of my cousins, and aunts and uncles. That side of the family only gets together for funerals. I have 27 cousins. Most of them were there. We really filled a room.

That's all I have right now. Work is an entire post on it's own.

Paint

2006-10-04T19:14:00.000-07:00

O.k. so I moved into my old house 3 years ago. It was still the same color that my parents had painted it. I finally got new furniture, well, new to me, and so I have to repaint because it doesn't match the furniture. Well, so I finnally decided on this color, it was a nice light brown. So, I started rolling it on the wall tonight, and guess what. It is almost the exact same color as the wall already! It is slightly darker, but not by much. Hopefully when i paint the trim white, it will look darker.

There really isn't much else going on now, so sorry.