Some things don't change...

I was going through some files on my computer, and I found the following. Some feelings don't change.

Written in 2001:
2-4
Almost two weeks w/o Kevin. I can’t go a day without crying. It is so hard to write this. So hard. We had been fighting, but, not as bad as some people. True, they were usually stupid, but not bad enough to break up I thought. I need to get over him, but I am afraid I don’t know how. I am also very tempted to go back and read everything written in this book. I want him back, but he doesn’t want me anymore. I should just settle for being his friend, but it is so hard. He was mine for so long. I had already planned our wedding and named our children.
That’s what’s so wrong with me. I always have to have things planned. Oh great, now I am going to go through this huge self esteem thing. I really need a friend right now. How could I let this happen? I am tired of being unhappy. I don’t want to be 29 and completely single. That would suck so bad. I must get through this. I can get through this, but it will take me some time.
MY GOALS
To ONLY control my life, for that is truly the only life I can control! (I’m sorry Kevin, VERY sorry. I always realized I was doing it, but everytime it was too late)
To have an open mind. (I think I do already, but to just continue to)
to get fit
To be forgiven, by those I have hurt. (Kevin, Chris, Alex, Jordan, Justin, Ken)
(my God! I am so mean when it comes to relationships)
To just change my state of mind.
If completed…my life may gain some direction.
I need to start taking my own damned advice! “If its meant to be, it will be” that advice FUCKING SUCKS! But.. it is so true. “If you love something, let it go, if it returns to you, then it is yours to keep.”
I just wish he understands, I’m trying so hard to let him go, and still hold onto my sanity. It goes in waves. There are moments where I take a deep breath, and think about Devin, the new boy downstairs, or about going to the Library or Barns and Noble to pick up guys. But then, the next wave comes crashing down upon me, and those guys just aren’t him. And I cry. Oh man do I cry. But what makes it worse, is I’m on the pill, where by looking at the package I can tell that I’m PMSing.
Great, I can’t be alone anymore. Amy has returned, AND with her boyfriend. That makes all of this even worse, but I digress.
If I could just understand one thing. I guess it would be, how could I have let this happen? I ask him over and over again. Questions, and he over and over again answers them. But I keep asking because it doesn’t answer the underlying question…HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?!?
I’m so selfish. But when someone tells you these things for the many formative years of your life, (dad) you being to resent them, and block them out, and believe that no one can hurt me, and those thengs just aren’t true, evein if they are. Which unfortunately was, is true.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to the whole entire world. I need friends to kick my ass and show a mirror to my face that will show me my tru elf. The bitchy, selfish, controlling slut that I am. I just relized that I have discarded, or ben discarded by all of those who did show me that mirror. Note to self: STOP DOING THAT! I will allow Kevin to get to know me as a friend, and do this to me, to show me this mirror. Who knows maybe he’ll see a change in me and we can work through it.
Why are you thinking such things? I need to not try and get him back. Was that one of your goals? NO!
Maybe I’ll photocopy this and send it to Kevin. Whenever I hear his voice void of everything that used to be there…it kills. But then, as the conversation progresses, just after the small talk, things are great, and I’m happy.
Sex. It did mean a lot to me. But, I don’t think it was ever emotional to me. There was only the one time that it left me happy. And actually, it wasn’t the sex. It was here, in this bed. He worshiped me. Every finger, my eyes, my toes. But…sex always disappointed me. Maybe I just knew that it wasn’t right. Maybe I’ll have sex with many people, and when it is with that one person, I’ll know. Maybe I just knew Ney Years Eve that something wasn’t right. He didn’t hold me. I knew. I just never wanted to accept it. Why change something that is just fine? It was fine for me. Just fine. I enjoyed being ignorant.
Wow, I’ve been writing for an hour and a half. I must define myself by the guy I date. That would explain a lot. But maybe not. I would like to think that is not who I am.
Who am I then? (God, here go again) Does anyone know the answer to that question? Ive never asked anyone that. Maybe I should ask that. I wonder if anyone knows.
Why do I cry? Why do I hurt? He has made it quite clear that he will still be friends with me. If he wants me to be his, he will come back. And who knows, maybe then, just maybe I won’t want or need him anymore.
Maybe I just should have known from the beginning. Hell, the things I kept saying was from one of my favorite 80s song…(wow! I just scared myself! I forgot that I had put speakers on both sides of my bed) Anyways, the Cheap Trick song. “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I’d love you to love me, I’m begging you to beg me.”
I want to feel needed. I’ve never felt like I was needed by anyone. Maybe that is with my desire to be a mother. For the first 8 years of a child’s life, they depend on you for everything. I don’t want someone to follow me and cling. But just someone to look in my eyes and say, “God, you’re beautiful, I’m so glad you were born.” I think I would cry if I heard those words.
So now, I’m going on 2 hours here. I’ve cried, and I’ve smiled, and cried some more. I do believe this is good for me. Thre is just something about the pen on paper that is thereputic. Why did I ever stop writing? It takes a lot of time, y es. But once it is out in the open (or on the paper rather) I can start to take it out and get rid of it.
I do hope that he takes the time out to visit me. I don’t know what it will accomplish. why do I think I have to call him? The original purpose of this book was to make it so I wouldn’t need to call him. So this week I will force myself to write. It’s not that bad. Well, as long as no one finds this.
It is decided, I am photocopying this tomorrow, and mailing it. One to Kevin, and one to Justin. I have been struggling for weeks to try and explain myself to both of them. Maybe this will help.
I need help. But I’ve never been given the strength to do it on my own. Well, I’m sure I have it, just never cared to use it. My God, I’ve become the “girl” I hate. “oh, I can’t lift this heavy feather, could you get it? Tee Hee” I groan just thinking of it. It will take time, but with the friends I have (The two guys I’m mailing this to, and Jordan) I’m sure I can be better its just…I don’t know. I will get better I did before, I can again.
Love just can really suck. And sex can make it worse. Though, as I’ve said to myself, I don’t think that the fact I had sex is affecting my pain more than usual. It is just that it is probally the only really “guy” thing that he ever said to me, when asked why he slept with me, if he wasn’t sure that he still loved me, his “guy” reply was, “you can be pushy.” Well, I wasn’t holding a gun to his head. It was ALWAYS consentual. Sigh. I don’t regret loosing it to him. I may not even regret loosing it. I do regret believeing all the bullshit that adults have crammed into our heads about it. Oh well.
I have to stop writing this now. It’s been almost 3 hrs. ok. 2 ½ I know I’ll write more tomorrow. I do feel better!