Some things don't change...

I was going through some files on my computer, and I found the following. Some feelings don't change.

Written in 2001:
2-4
Almost two weeks w/o Kevin. I can’t go a day without crying. It is so hard to write this. So hard. We had been fighting, but, not as bad as some people. True, they were usually stupid, but not bad enough to break up I thought. I need to get over him, but I am afraid I don’t know how. I am also very tempted to go back and read everything written in this book. I want him back, but he doesn’t want me anymore. I should just settle for being his friend, but it is so hard. He was mine for so long. I had already planned our wedding and named our children.
That’s what’s so wrong with me. I always have to have things planned. Oh great, now I am going to go through this huge self esteem thing. I really need a friend right now. How could I let this happen? I am tired of being unhappy. I don’t want to be 29 and completely single. That would suck so bad. I must get through this. I can get through this, but it will take me some time.
MY GOALS
To ONLY control my life, for that is truly the only life I can control! (I’m sorry Kevin, VERY sorry. I always realized I was doing it, but everytime it was too late)
To have an open mind. (I think I do already, but to just continue to)
to get fit
To be forgiven, by those I have hurt. (Kevin, Chris, Alex, Jordan, Justin, Ken)
(my God! I am so mean when it comes to relationships)
To just change my state of mind.
If completed…my life may gain some direction.
I need to start taking my own damned advice! “If its meant to be, it will be” that advice FUCKING SUCKS! But.. it is so true. “If you love something, let it go, if it returns to you, then it is yours to keep.”
I just wish he understands, I’m trying so hard to let him go, and still hold onto my sanity. It goes in waves. There are moments where I take a deep breath, and think about Devin, the new boy downstairs, or about going to the Library or Barns and Noble to pick up guys. But then, the next wave comes crashing down upon me, and those guys just aren’t him. And I cry. Oh man do I cry. But what makes it worse, is I’m on the pill, where by looking at the package I can tell that I’m PMSing.
Great, I can’t be alone anymore. Amy has returned, AND with her boyfriend. That makes all of this even worse, but I digress.
If I could just understand one thing. I guess it would be, how could I have let this happen? I ask him over and over again. Questions, and he over and over again answers them. But I keep asking because it doesn’t answer the underlying question…HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN?!?
I’m so selfish. But when someone tells you these things for the many formative years of your life, (dad) you being to resent them, and block them out, and believe that no one can hurt me, and those thengs just aren’t true, evein if they are. Which unfortunately was, is true.
I’m so sorry. I’m sorry to the whole entire world. I need friends to kick my ass and show a mirror to my face that will show me my tru elf. The bitchy, selfish, controlling slut that I am. I just relized that I have discarded, or ben discarded by all of those who did show me that mirror. Note to self: STOP DOING THAT! I will allow Kevin to get to know me as a friend, and do this to me, to show me this mirror. Who knows maybe he’ll see a change in me and we can work through it.
Why are you thinking such things? I need to not try and get him back. Was that one of your goals? NO!
Maybe I’ll photocopy this and send it to Kevin. Whenever I hear his voice void of everything that used to be there…it kills. But then, as the conversation progresses, just after the small talk, things are great, and I’m happy.
Sex. It did mean a lot to me. But, I don’t think it was ever emotional to me. There was only the one time that it left me happy. And actually, it wasn’t the sex. It was here, in this bed. He worshiped me. Every finger, my eyes, my toes. But…sex always disappointed me. Maybe I just knew that it wasn’t right. Maybe I’ll have sex with many people, and when it is with that one person, I’ll know. Maybe I just knew Ney Years Eve that something wasn’t right. He didn’t hold me. I knew. I just never wanted to accept it. Why change something that is just fine? It was fine for me. Just fine. I enjoyed being ignorant.
Wow, I’ve been writing for an hour and a half. I must define myself by the guy I date. That would explain a lot. But maybe not. I would like to think that is not who I am.
Who am I then? (God, here go again) Does anyone know the answer to that question? Ive never asked anyone that. Maybe I should ask that. I wonder if anyone knows.
Why do I cry? Why do I hurt? He has made it quite clear that he will still be friends with me. If he wants me to be his, he will come back. And who knows, maybe then, just maybe I won’t want or need him anymore.
Maybe I just should have known from the beginning. Hell, the things I kept saying was from one of my favorite 80s song…(wow! I just scared myself! I forgot that I had put speakers on both sides of my bed) Anyways, the Cheap Trick song. “I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I’d love you to love me, I’m begging you to beg me.”
I want to feel needed. I’ve never felt like I was needed by anyone. Maybe that is with my desire to be a mother. For the first 8 years of a child’s life, they depend on you for everything. I don’t want someone to follow me and cling. But just someone to look in my eyes and say, “God, you’re beautiful, I’m so glad you were born.” I think I would cry if I heard those words.
So now, I’m going on 2 hours here. I’ve cried, and I’ve smiled, and cried some more. I do believe this is good for me. Thre is just something about the pen on paper that is thereputic. Why did I ever stop writing? It takes a lot of time, y es. But once it is out in the open (or on the paper rather) I can start to take it out and get rid of it.
I do hope that he takes the time out to visit me. I don’t know what it will accomplish. why do I think I have to call him? The original purpose of this book was to make it so I wouldn’t need to call him. So this week I will force myself to write. It’s not that bad. Well, as long as no one finds this.
It is decided, I am photocopying this tomorrow, and mailing it. One to Kevin, and one to Justin. I have been struggling for weeks to try and explain myself to both of them. Maybe this will help.
I need help. But I’ve never been given the strength to do it on my own. Well, I’m sure I have it, just never cared to use it. My God, I’ve become the “girl” I hate. “oh, I can’t lift this heavy feather, could you get it? Tee Hee” I groan just thinking of it. It will take time, but with the friends I have (The two guys I’m mailing this to, and Jordan) I’m sure I can be better its just…I don’t know. I will get better I did before, I can again.
Love just can really suck. And sex can make it worse. Though, as I’ve said to myself, I don’t think that the fact I had sex is affecting my pain more than usual. It is just that it is probally the only really “guy” thing that he ever said to me, when asked why he slept with me, if he wasn’t sure that he still loved me, his “guy” reply was, “you can be pushy.” Well, I wasn’t holding a gun to his head. It was ALWAYS consentual. Sigh. I don’t regret loosing it to him. I may not even regret loosing it. I do regret believeing all the bullshit that adults have crammed into our heads about it. Oh well.
I have to stop writing this now. It’s been almost 3 hrs. ok. 2 ½ I know I’ll write more tomorrow. I do feel better!

I'm clumsy

So, yesterday after a brief rain shower, I decided to go to Bed Bath and Beyond. I had flip flops on, and I stepped on my cement porch, and the stairs were still slick. I went head first off my front porch! I landed in a flower pot!! However, if that flower pot wasnt there, I would have most definately broken my arm. Today I am nursing a multi colored leg and arm! I need to really learn to slow down!

PCOS

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome.... Looks like I have it. OW!! I recently got an IUD, and I've been having some pain, so they sent me for an ultra sound, and there are a lot of follicles on my ovaries. Doing some research on my own, there isn't much that can be done, but I'm not worried about fertility, I don't want kids, at least not for a while, so that isn't a big deal.

But the cramping I have been experiencing is no fun!! Ibuprofen can only help for so long, I don't want to depend on it...

Sorry!

So it has been one year since updating! I know I have lost everyone, but that's o.k. I have switched offices and started school. I now work in St. Louis County, now as a casemanager, and things are a little less stressful, but still obnoxious.

This past year has been stressfull in my marriage, and very hard. Mike has lost 2 jobs and has been unemployed a total of 3 months between them. It is difficult for me to pay for school, and he is concidering taking a position for half of what he was making before, meaning I will become the breadwinner in the family! This isn't cool, as I don't make much money at all.

I have begun talking to old friends, and this is causing more tension with my husband, as these old friends are male. I have been having problems getting what I need out of my marriage as well. You get comfortable in a relationship, and you no longer seem to have that feeling or the motivation to make sure your partner is taken care of.

I hope things change!

O.k. I saw Licence To Wed tonight. Although it is a cute movie - it is a rent movie, not pay $13 movie.

This movie bought up a few things that are really good to know in a marriage. You will fight, and it is o.k. But something else, Pay attention to your partner, and just because they are not behaving/doing what you would like, it is not the end of the world.

This a difficult for thing to me learn, and I am still learning.

Update on life

I am going back to school!! I have sent in my application and I have to take a chemistry class, I think, and then I will be in the Nursing program.
I'm going to be a nurse!!

Work has slowed down, and it is giving us a chance to catch up on our work, which is very exciting. Now is the time for everyone to start to breathe and relax. It's amazing what children not being in school can do to our caseloads.

Also - the skin under my ring is peeling, what's up with that? I put lotion on it, leave my ring off, and it is still peeling. Psychosomatic maybe?

I told you so

4 words that make me very happy to say....

My brother and his girlfriend moved to Colorado this past Thursday. My dad and brother loaded the truck and my dad drove it there. My mom called me yesterday, "D won't stop crying, she is saying she wished she had never moved..." I told you so. My mom asked if I had any suggestions to comfort D. Nope. She's upset that my brother have found a job, and she hasn't. My brother is a line cook - he can find a job anywhere. It will take her some looking, as she actually has a degree. Get a phone book, a map, and find the library. Sitting on your ass crying isn't solving anything, and only making my brother more upset/pissed. Something she should've thought about before moving. Boo hoo you didn't take your mommy with you, you are a grown up, so put your big girl britches on and suck it up!

I TOLD YOU SO!!